Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
