Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
