you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
