My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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