When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
