I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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