Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
