How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
