God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
