we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
