I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
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He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
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He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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