cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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