Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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