i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
