Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
as a side note pls kill me
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
