do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
