I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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