Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
