I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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