Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
