It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
