I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
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Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
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I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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