Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
