Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
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I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?