Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
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Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
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Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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