I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
