Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
do herpes really smell.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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