I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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