The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
