I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
