Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
