We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
The struggles of a small town man whore
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
