I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
