Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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