I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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