I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize