so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Liz is crying about burritos again.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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