Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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