I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
