my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
