you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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