Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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