Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
