The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
