so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
