I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
