when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
