Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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