Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize