the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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