It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
