you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
