now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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